Versions

I’ve been thinking of the many versions of me.

Not the ways other might interpret and see,

But the many iterations that have occurred.

As I’ve lost, found, and continued to learn.

The 3 year old me with red cowgirl boots.

Curious, smart, and ready to loot.

Or the spelling bee champ desperate to achieve,

If I could just beat my sister, maybe my parents would believe

That I was worthy of love with no strings attached.

But that love never came so I began to detach.

By 8th grade knowing that the world would go on

If I could just disappear or keep moving along.

So tired of sobbing behind my rooms’ door

With knees to my chest, curled up on the floor.

Shoved all of that down – and continued to smile.

Fooling even myself for quite a long while.

Captain for soccer, in band I took lead

Searching for the right garden, while always the weed.

Not knowing my worth, I gave what I had.

Sleeping with too many Daves, Joes, and Chads.

Not for the pleasure that good sex can bring,

But wanting connection, ending up as the fling.

Ten years go by and I “finally” get married.

‘Til death do us part? My results greatly varied.

Alone again, so what’s my big plan?

To be good on my own and not need a man.

Or a woman as the case might be

Who limits where loves from? Surely, not me.

But again I fumble and devalue my worth,

Convinced I’m unlovable due to my girth.

So I read and I learn and I put in the work.

I know I’m amazing, but get ghosted by jerks.

So time to regroup, stop dating full stop.

Work on myself to change my backdrop.

Now it’s been years and where am I at?

Mostly good on my own and more accepting of fat.

If someone says I’m too much, good, go find less.

I’m dedicated to me and to myself I’ll say yes.

Comfy

I know everyone says that as they get older they start caring less about what other people think and start accepting themselves more. And honestly, for most of my life I thought “that sounds like complete bullshit” or maybe on one of my snarkier days “oh goody, isn’t that great for you?”. I grew up allowing others’ opinions of me matter too much and not valuing my own opinion enough.

I used to think that if I got to a certain weight or a certain size I would like myself more or that the world would like me more. And you know what? None of that shit matters. You know why it doesn’t matter? Well, yeah, because it’s superficial and all that matters is what’s on the inside. Blah, blah, blah. But the real reason it doesn’t matter is because no one gives a shit. Seriously, no one besides me cares if I’m an 8 or a 10.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I still have days when I don’t like myself and feel chubby. I generally feel better when I’m eating real foods and exercising regularly. My body likes when I take care of it. Right now I’m not in my happy place. I’ve put on a few pounds in the last few months since I started a new relationship (I’m more social and we go out more). That combined with just completing a 3 month squat program means a lot of my shorts don’t fit because I’m now quadzilla. But even with all that, I’m not letting it control my life. I know that I will get back to my healthy habits soon and my body will react. It’s not that I want to feel skinnier, I just like feeling healthier.

Along with my thick thighs comes some chafing issues when I run. I prefer shorter shorts for most workouts, but when I’m running I need longer slider shorts to prevent rubbing. I used to wear a skirt or shorts over the sliders to hide my thick legs, but in the last few years I’ve decided fuck that. Who am I hiding from? Other athletes? I doubt they care and, if they do, that’s their problem. From myself? Ummmm, yeah. I see myself in all my birthday suit glory multiple times a day so that’s not really a viable excuse. So, the cover ups are gone and I’m letting it all hang out.

This is also the first year of my life that I wore a bikini in public. And I did it on multiple occasions in many different suits. And I played touch football and boccie ball and let all sorts of things jiggle. And you know what? Nobody tried to harpoon me or yelled that I looked like a beached whale or made any other kind of rude comments. Did I look society standard perfect? Nope. Did I still have a little baby buddha belly? Yes (which, by the way, I kinda like). Did I still have cellulite on the back of my thighs? Yep. I know I’m not painting a pretty picture of me in a bathing suit, but trust me, I was rocking it.

My only problem with all this new found self love? I waited 39 years to realize I was worth it.

Stop Waiting

If I lose 5 more pounds, I’ll look better in a bathing suit.

So I wait to go to the beach.

If I go to the gym in my current state, someone will laugh at my fat.

So I wait until I’m in shape before taking that step.

If I tell someone I love them, they might reject me.

So I keep my feelings to myself.

If I give my opinion, someone might tell me I’m wrong.

So I keep my mouth shut.

If I chase my dreams, I could trip and fall.

So I remain complacent.

If I forgive someone for hurting me, I might show weakness.

So I harden my heart.

If I step up as a leader, people might not follow me.

So I remain in the shadows.

If I just lose weight/whiten my teeth/straighten my hair/buy the perfect outfit/etc, I will love myself more.

So I judge myself harsher than I would anyone else.

BUT…

If I go to the beach today, I will make memories to last a lifetime.

So I will accept my body where it’s at.

If I go to the gym now, I will be one step closer to my goals.

So I will walk through the gym doors.

If I tell someone I love them, they might return the love or they might not.

So I will take the risk because it is worth it.

If I voice my opinion, people will understand what I’m thinking.

So I’ll speak up.

If I chase my dreams, I can achieve great things.

So I will jump off the cliff and spread my wings.

If I forgive someone, it’s for me, not them.

So I will lighten my burdens.

If I lead while serving others, people will follow.

So I will lead with sincerity and an open heart.

If I just accept myself as I am, I will find peace.

So I will love myself unconditionally.

The Problem With Squats

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love working out. It’s my passion, something I look forward to. Helping other people discover the awesomeness of fitness is what I want to do with my life. But there are some drawbacks. For example, here are some problems you might encounter if you squat, especially with weight:

1. Guys will forget about all of your other incredible attributes. Got a great sense of humor? Better make the jokes about your assets or he’s not listening. Wicked smart? Better turn the chit chat into the physiology of padunkadunks or you’ve lost him. What can I say? Guys lose focus quickly when you’ve got junk in the trunk.

2. You will never find a pair of pants, especially jeans, that fit. When you find jeans that are generous enough to accommodate your strong thighs, I can guarantee that you will have a gap in the waistband. I don’t think I’ve bought pants in over three years that my seamstress, aka my mom, didn’t have to alter.

3. The sight of your muscular glutes and quads will make guys dumb. No, seriously, they will say things like “if we got stranded somewhere I could eat off your ass for weeks”. Really? Is that supposed to be a turn on? Yeah, not quite the panty dropper they were shooting for.

4. You will have to give up smiling if you want people to believe you. What? You know you can “never trust a big butt and a smile”.

So, the big question is what you gonna do with all that ass? I can tell you what I’m going to do with mine – keep on squatting. The heavier the weight, the better.

Come on, my friend

“Come on, my friend.” I love hearing this phrase on my morning walks with the Roo. When an elderly neighbor’s white faced dog falls behind he lovingly calls out “come on, my friend” and the old pup picks up his uneven gait to catch up with his buddy. I know nothing else about them, but I know they have each other. 

Now Taking Applications

While I love my family and know they will always support and stand by me, I’m firing them all from my partner approval committee. Honestly, they stink at the job. Want proof? I married a gay guy and dated a sociopath. Seriously, no one saw either of those coming? So I’m taking applications for the “make sure this guy is good enough (and straight enough)for Amy” committee. I won’t be ready to date for a while, but thought we should start this process now. My only strict requirement is that you have accurate gaydar and a low tolerance bullshit meter. Any takers?

What I’m Not

For the few readers that know me in person, you know that I’m going through some shit right now. And honestly, it’s some scary shit. How scary? Scary enough that I don’t feel like I can write about it at this point. I could be totally wrong because I no longer know what is true and what are just some lies that someone is telling me, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. I can tell you that the irony of my current situation combined with my last post, is not lost on me. Whether I’m paranoid or absolutely justified, this story is going to make a great post…someday. But for today, I’m going to stick to something safe, talking about myself.

In the past 10 or so days I’ve been told a lot of who I am (not that I’m believing it). Well, today I’m going to explore what I’m not. This list will be in no way complete – partly because I am constantly discovering things about myself and partly because this isn’t the most thought out post – I just NEEDED to write.

Alright, what I’m not:
– WEAK– Apparently some people believe that because I am nice, that I am also weak. Let me tell you, that is a big mistake. Wanna deceive me, try to bring me down? Bring it on. I may not hit the hardest, but I will outlast you. I guarantee it. Bonus points – I’ve got the best friends and family that anyone could ever want. They always have my back and are willing to fight dirty.

– Someone who bothers with hair and make-up– Yeah, never have, never will. With today’s beauty standards put forth by the media, I feel like I should make an AA like confession. “Hello. My name is Amy. I’m 37, don’t know how to apply make-up, and don’t own a blow dryer – or even a hairbrush.” Now don’t get me wrong, I brush my hair with a comb – on most days. None of this has ever been important to me and I’m ok with that. Shoot, I wore a sports bra for every day wear until my mid-20s because I never knew when a pick up game of soccer might break out. I’d rather have the freedom to do what I want when I want than be worrying about if my mascara runs or if my hair is perfectly coiffed.

– Someone whose bra and underwear always match– Yeah, I’m guessing this isn’t a big surprise after reading the above confession, but thought I’d go ahead and put it out there. I know my 2 male readers are probably disappointed to learn that women don’t always have the perfectly matched bra and panties set. Again, I’m totally ok with this. I’m so much more concerned about comfort than fashion.

– Someone who always knows how to act in tough social situations- Yeah, I’m the girl who laughed at her grandpa’s funeral. There was nothing funny about it and he was my favorite grandparent, but I couldn’t help it. When I get nervous or overly uncomfortable, I laugh. I’ve gotten better about it, but I’m really a pretty socially awkward person. Once I get to know people, you can’t shut me up, but I’m also someone who has no problem with silence. Apparently, that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I promise, I’m not judging you or being snobby, sometimes I just don’t know what to say and silence seems like a better option. My social awkwardness also comes out when a friend is in an emotional state. I can be there to comfort, hold a hand, give long hugs, but saying the comforting words that people need to hear isn’t always my forte. This is something I will continue to work on.

– Someone who gives thoughtful presents on special occasions– Eeek! I hate admitting this one because it makes me sound like a terrible person. I really don’t think I am, I just don’t value a lot of material things. Not only do I not give great gifts, I don’t care if people give me gifts. No seriously, I’m totally ok with it. Stuff is just stuff. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m generous with my friends. I just don’t always have great gifts for them on birthdays or Christmas. Need some money to pay a divorce lawyer because your husband is a cheating louse? I’ve got you covered. Haven’t been able to visit your mom in a couple years? Let me help. Having a tough time making your paycheck stretch until the next pay day? Here’s a Publix gift card.I will always help my friends, and even strangers, just not necessarily on the predetermined dates.

– A number – I know that our society likes to put things in nice, neat packages, but people are so much more than that. Yes, I’m 37, but I can still kick most 20 something’s asses when it comes to workouts. Yes, I come in at just under 150 pounds and am a size 10. HUGE, if we’re going by media standards. But you know what? I like how I look and what my body can do for me. The only reason I even know my weight is because it determines if I have to carry 4 or 6 bricks for GoRuck challenges. Otherwise, I wouldn’t even step on a scale. We have to stop relying on the number on the scale to tell us our value. In the past I would weigh myself every morning and allow the number that popped up to determine my mood. That is just crazy. Yes, I like eating healthy and exercising, but not to get to a certain number. I do these things because they make me feel good. I am happy to focus on healthy and not worry about skinny.

There’s a whole lot more that I’m not and even more than I am, but this is what I have to give for now. Any preconceived notions about yourself that you want to clear up? Let me hear about them in the comments.

Stupid and Scared

Let me tell you, stupid and scared is no way to live. I’ve done it for too long and I’m truly trying to stop. I come across as a happy and upbeat person, and I am, but I can be doing more to be living a complete life. I’ve known for years that I am passionate about fitness and helping people, but I never thought about trying to make it a career. Not even when I knew I was dissatisfied with my job and found what I did unfulfilling. I have known for a decade or more that I wanted to do more and be more, but could never figure out what I meant by that. Part of me thought I had to do something on a grand scale – cure cancer, end homelessness, something big. I didn’t think that helping people exercise would be enough. I haven’t started this as my career yet, but have started studying for certification, and I think that it will be satisfying. I think making people healthy and confident will be enough for me.

This half-assed, scared living has infiltrated my love life too. After being the sucka sucka fool that was married to a gay guy for over 8 years I’m afraid to truly trust anyone. I don’t want to be hurt again, I don’t want to be the fool again. And while part of the trust is just with basic sexuality (you can bet your bottom dollar that my first question to my boyfriend was “are you gay?”), it creeps into everything. You can imagine how well this goes over with the boyfriend. Let’s call him SC. Now don’t get me wrong, he is kind and patient, but it’s got to be frustrating to be dating someone with trust issues. Plus, these issues make me insecure. And I hate that. I am not an insecure person. Most of the time I’m overly confident in my abilities.

SC is a popular guy and a mutual friend gave me an unbecoming history of him before she knew we were dating. Part of her story was probably due to frustration because she knew SC and I liked each other and she likes him as well, but I’m sure part of it is true. Has he dated a lot of people? Yep, he told me that before we got together. You know what? I was out of the game for a while with the whole being married thing, but in my undergrad and grad school days I got around too. I’m not willing to say I was full on slutty, but I was no Girl Scout either. SC is ridiculously open with me. He tells me things I might not want to hear (yes, that girl’s fake boobs were ridiculously big), but I’ll take that over him keeping things from me any day of the week. With this new found, but soon to be departing, insecurity I don’t really like seeing pictures of him from last summer with some other girl at the top of Pikes Peak. But you know what I was doing last summer? Climbing Mt. Asahidake in Japan with some other guy. Is that other girl cute? Yep. You know what? So am I. Do I like that he’s still super friendly with his ex? Not particularly, but my wasband is still my best friend.

I’ve never had someone challenge and encourage me so much. He gets me to try things that scare me – like signing up for personal trainer certification. He also pushes me physically. He challenges me to attempt things I’m not sure I can accomplish. I know this doesn’t seem like a huge deal, but for someone who grew up with a “why try if you can’t be the best” attitude, this is is pretty big. So, where does this lead me?

I’m done being insecure. I’m done living my life stupid and scared. Do I know if I’ll make it as a personal trainer? Nope, but I’ll work my ass off to make it happen. Is SC the one? You’re asking the wrong person. I was with a gay guy for over a decade – you think I can predict my love life? What I do know is that right now I am happy and content and want to keep SC around as long as possible. He’s alright. Is there a chance I could get hurt again? Hell yeah, but that’s part of living. I can’t go through life living scared. It’s no way to live. It’s time for me to step up and choose to trust and see what happens.

My Blog Entry for Girls on the Run of Alachua County

Check out my article for Girls on the Run of Alachua County:

http://alachuagotr.org/2013/08/04/first-girl-box-experience-shes-fat/

This is an incredible organization. If you’re interested in learning more about Girls on the Run or finding a local chapter, check out their website:

http://www.girlsontherun.org/

Thankful Thursday

I’ve seen this idea before, but was reminded of it again as I read Lindy Jordan‘s blog recently. The idea is gratitude. In the midst of my divorce, my friend Katie gave me the above necklace. While the whole message hit me, the “be grateful” part really resonated. Yes, I was living overseas, my husband had just announced he was gay, and I was getting divorced, but I still had so much in my life. I had so much to be thankful for – great friends, a supportive family, an education to fall back on, etc.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the daily routine of getting by, we forget to give thanks. I am not a religious person and don’t care who you give thanks to – God, Allah, the universe, your spirit animal, whatever. It doesn’t matter, just the expressing of thanks will make your life better. For me showing gratitude gives me time to feel peace, realize how lucky I am, and realize that I don’t need as much as I want or even as much as I have.

When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude. – Gilbert K. Chesterton

I’m not sure if Thankful Thursday will turn into a regular feature, but I adore alliteration and there’s no better time to be grateful than right now. I would like to encourage you to take a few minutes every day and think about what makes you grateful. This doesn’t have to take a lot of time or even have its own designated time. Think of your gratitude list as you brush your teeth, while you’re in the shower, or while you’re out walking the dog – just take a few minutes to be grateful.

Here are some of the things I’m grateful for today:

– a family that supports me

– that I finally found the courage to go after what I want

– for a boyfriend who helped me realize my dreams and encouraged me to go after them

– that my body allows me to keep pushing the limits

– for friends who support, and encourage, my kind of crazy

– for a spotty mess of a dog that provides unconditional love

– for a job that pays the bills until I can live my dream

– that I’ve been able to travel to so many amazing places

– for friends who open their homes to me around the world

Life is good GREAT, folks! Find your happy place and count your blessings – you just might realize you have more than you thought.