I know everyone says that as they get older they start caring less about what other people think and start accepting themselves more. And honestly, for most of my life I thought “that sounds like complete bullshit” or maybe on one of my snarkier days “oh goody, isn’t that great for you?”. I grew up allowing others’ opinions of me matter too much and not valuing my own opinion enough.

I used to think that if I got to a certain weight or a certain size I would like myself more or that the world would like me more. And you know what? None of that shit matters. You know why it doesn’t matter? Well, yeah, because it’s superficial and all that matters is what’s on the inside. Blah, blah, blah. But the real reason it doesn’t matter is because no one gives a shit. Seriously, no one besides me cares if I’m an 8 or a 10.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I still have days when I don’t like myself and feel chubby. I generally feel better when I’m eating real foods and exercising regularly. My body likes when I take care of it. Right now I’m not in my happy place. I’ve put on a few pounds in the last few months since I started a new relationship (I’m more social and we go out more). That combined with just completing a 3 month squat program means a lot of my shorts don’t fit because I’m now quadzilla. But even with all that, I’m not letting it control my life. I know that I will get back to my healthy habits soon and my body will react. It’s not that I want to feel skinnier, I just like feeling healthier.

Along with my thick thighs comes some chafing issues when I run. I prefer shorter shorts for most workouts, but when I’m running I need longer slider shorts to prevent rubbing. I used to wear a skirt or shorts over the sliders to hide my thick legs, but in the last few years I’ve decided fuck that. Who am I hiding from? Other athletes? I doubt they care and, if they do, that’s their problem. From myself? Ummmm, yeah. I see myself in all my birthday suit glory multiple times a day so that’s not really a viable excuse. So, the cover ups are gone and I’m letting it all hang out.

This is also the first year of my life that I wore a bikini in public. And I did it on multiple occasions in many different suits. And I played touch football and boccie ball and let all sorts of things jiggle. And you know what? Nobody tried to harpoon me or yelled that I looked like a beached whale or made any other kind of rude comments. Did I look society standard perfect? Nope. Did I still have a little baby buddha belly? Yes (which, by the way, I kinda like). Did I still have cellulite on the back of my thighs? Yep. I know I’m not painting a pretty picture of me in a bathing suit, but trust me, I was rocking it.

My only problem with all this new found self love? I waited 39 years to realize I was worth it.


Thankful Thursday


I’ve seen this idea before, but was reminded of it again as I read Lindy Jordan‘s blog recently. The idea is gratitude. In the midst of my divorce, my friend Katie gave me the above necklace. While the whole message hit me, the “be grateful” part really resonated. Yes, I was living overseas, my husband had just announced he was gay, and I was getting divorced, but I still had so much in my life. I had so much to be thankful for – great friends, a supportive family, an education to fall back on, etc.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the daily routine of getting by, we forget to give thanks. I am not a religious person and don’t care who you give thanks to – God, Allah, the universe, your spirit animal, whatever. It doesn’t matter, just the expressing of thanks will make your life better. For me showing gratitude gives me time to feel peace, realize how lucky I am, and realize that I don’t need as much as I want or even as much as I have.

When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude. – Gilbert K. Chesterton

I’m not sure if Thankful Thursday will turn into a regular feature, but I adore alliteration and there’s no better time to be grateful than right now. I would like to encourage you to take a few minutes every day and think about what makes you grateful. This doesn’t have to take a lot of time or even have its own designated time. Think of your gratitude list as you brush your teeth, while you’re in the shower, or while you’re out walking the dog – just take a few minutes to be grateful.


Here are some of the things I’m grateful for today:

– a family that supports me

– that I finally found the courage to go after what I want

– for a boyfriend who helped me realize my dreams and encouraged me to go after them

– that my body allows me to keep pushing the limits

– for friends who support, and encourage, my kind of crazy

– for a spotty mess of a dog that provides unconditional love

– for a job that pays the bills until I can live my dream

– that I’ve been able to travel to so many amazing places

– for friends who open their homes to me around the world

Life is good GREAT, folks! Find your happy place and count your blessings – you just might realize you have more than you thought.