What I’m Not

For the few readers that know me in person, you know that I’m going through some shit right now. And honestly, it’s some scary shit. How scary? Scary enough that I don’t feel like I can write about it at this point. I could be totally wrong because I no longer know what is true and what are just some lies that someone is telling me, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. I can tell you that the irony of my current situation combined with my last post, is not lost on me. Whether I’m paranoid or absolutely justified, this story is going to make a great post…someday. But for today, I’m going to stick to something safe, talking about myself.

In the past 10 or so days I’ve been told a lot of who I am (not that I’m believing it). Well, today I’m going to explore what I’m not. This list will be in no way complete – partly because I am constantly discovering things about myself and partly because this isn’t the most thought out post – I just NEEDED to write.

Alright, what I’m not:
WEAK– Apparently some people believe that because I am nice, that I am also weak. Let me tell you, that is a big mistake. Wanna deceive me, try to bring me down? Bring it on. I may not hit the hardest, but I will outlast you. I guarantee it. Bonus points – I’ve got the best friends and family that anyone could ever want. They always have my back and are willing to fight dirty.

Someone who bothers with hair and make-up– Yeah, never have, never will. With today’s beauty standards put forth by the media, I feel like I should make an AA like confession. “Hello. My name is Amy. I’m 37, don’t know how to apply make-up, and don’t own a blow dryer – or even a hairbrush.” Now don’t get me wrong, I brush my hair with a comb – on most days. None of this has ever been important to me and I’m ok with that. Shoot, I wore a sports bra for every day wear until my mid-20s because I never knew when a pick up game of soccer might break out. I’d rather have the freedom to do what I want when I want than be worrying about if my mascara runs or if my hair is perfectly coiffed.

Someone whose bra and underwear always match– Yeah, I’m guessing this isn’t a big surprise after reading the above confession, but thought I’d go ahead and put it out there. I know my 2 male readers are probably disappointed to learn that women don’t always have the perfectly matched bra and panties set. Again, I’m totally ok with this. I’m so much more concerned about comfort than fashion.

– Someone who always knows how to act in tough social situations- Yeah, I’m the girl who laughed at her grandpa’s funeral. There was nothing funny about it and he was my favorite grandparent, but I couldn’t help it. When I get nervous or overly uncomfortable, I laugh. I’ve gotten better about it, but I’m really a pretty socially awkward person. Once I get to know people, you can’t shut me up, but I’m also someone who has no problem with silence. Apparently, that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I promise, I’m not judging you or being snobby, sometimes I just don’t know what to say and silence seems like a better option. My social awkwardness also comes out when a friend is in an emotional state. I can be there to comfort, hold a hand, give long hugs, but saying the comforting words that people need to hear isn’t always my forte. This is something I will continue to work on.

– Someone who gives thoughtful presents on special occasions– Eeek! I hate admitting this one because it makes me sound like a terrible person. I really don’t think I am, I just don’t value a lot of material things. Not only do I not give great gifts, I don’t care if people give me gifts. No seriously, I’m totally ok with it. Stuff is just stuff. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m generous with my friends. I just don’t always have great gifts for them on birthdays or Christmas. Need some money to pay a divorce lawyer because your husband is a cheating louse? I’ve got you covered. Haven’t been able to visit your mom in a couple years? Let me help. Having a tough time making your paycheck stretch until the next pay day? Here’s a Publix gift card.I will always help my friends, and even strangers, just not necessarily on the predetermined dates.

A number – I know that our society likes to put things in nice, neat packages, but people are so much more than that. Yes, I’m 37, but I can still kick most 20 something’s asses when it comes to workouts. Yes, I come in at just under 150 pounds and am a size 10. HUGE, if we’re going by media standards. But you know what? I like how I look and what my body can do for me. The only reason I even know my weight is because it determines if I have to carry 4 or 6 bricks for GoRuck challenges. Otherwise, I wouldn’t even step on a scale. We have to stop relying on the number on the scale to tell us our value. In the past I would weigh myself every morning and allow the number that popped up to determine my mood. That is just crazy. Yes, I like eating healthy and exercising, but not to get to a certain number. I do these things because they make me feel good. I am happy to focus on healthy and not worry about skinny.

There’s a whole lot more that I’m not and even more than I am, but this is what I have to give for now. Any preconceived notions about yourself that you want to clear up? Let me hear about them in the comments.