Stupid and Scared


Let me tell you, stupid and scared is no way to live. I’ve done it for too long and I’m truly trying to stop. I come across as a happy and upbeat person, and I am, but I can be doing more to be living a complete life. I’ve known for years that I am passionate about fitness and helping people, but I never thought about trying to make it a career. Not even when I knew I was dissatisfied with my job and found what I did unfulfilling. I have known for a decade or more that I wanted to do more and be more, but could never figure out what I meant by that. Part of me thought I had to do something on a grand scale – cure cancer, end homelessness, something big. I didn’t think that helping people exercise would be enough. I haven’t started this as my career yet, but have started studying for certification, and I think that it will be satisfying. I think making people healthy and confident will be enough for me.

This half-assed, scared living has infiltrated my love life too. After being the sucka sucka fool that was married to a gay guy for over 8 years I’m afraid to truly trust anyone. I don’t want to be hurt again, I don’t want to be the fool again. And while part of the trust is just with basic sexuality (you can bet your bottom dollar that my first question to my boyfriend was “are you gay?”), it creeps into everything. You can imagine how well this goes over with the boyfriend. Let’s call him SC. Now don’t get me wrong, he is kind and patient, but it’s got to be frustrating to be dating someone with trust issues. Plus, these issues make me insecure. And I hate that. I am not an insecure person. Most of the time I’m overly confident in my abilities.

SC is a popular guy and a mutual friend gave me an unbecoming history of him before she knew we were dating. Part of her story was probably due to frustration because she knew SC and I liked each other and she likes him as well, but I’m sure part of it is true. Has he dated a lot of people? Yep, he told me that before we got together. You know what? I was out of the game for a while with the whole being married thing, but in my undergrad and grad school days I got around too. I’m not willing to say I was full on slutty, but I was no Girl Scout either. SC is ridiculously open with me. He tells me things I might not want to hear (yes, that girl’s fake boobs were ridiculously big), but I’ll take that over him keeping things from me any day of the week. With this new found, but soon to be departing, insecurity I don’t really like seeing pictures of him from last summer with some other girl at the top of Pikes Peak. But you know what I was doing last summer? Climbing Mt. Asahidake in Japan with some other guy. Is that other girl cute? Yep. You know what? So am I. Do I like that he’s still super friendly with his ex? Not particularly, but my wasband is still my best friend.

I’ve never had someone challenge and encourage me so much. He gets me to try things that scare me – like signing up for personal trainer certification. He also pushes me physically. He challenges me to attempt things I’m not sure I can accomplish. I know this doesn’t seem like a huge deal, but for someone who grew up with a “why try if you can’t be the best” attitude, this is is pretty big. So, where does this lead me?

I’m done being insecure. I’m done living my life stupid and scared. Do I know if I’ll make it as a personal trainer? Nope, but I’ll work my ass off to make it happen. Is SC the one? You’re asking the wrong person. I was with a gay guy for over a decade – you think I can predict my love life? What I do know is that right now I am happy and content and want to keep SC around as long as possible. He’s alright. Is there a chance I could get hurt again? Hell yeah, but that’s part of living. I can’t go through life living scared. It’s no way to live. It’s time for me to step up and choose to trust and see what happens.