I know everyone says that as they get older they start caring less about what other people think and start accepting themselves more. And honestly, for most of my life I thought “that sounds like complete bullshit” or maybe on one of my snarkier days “oh goody, isn’t that great for you?”. I grew up allowing others’ opinions of me matter too much and not valuing my own opinion enough.
I used to think that if I got to a certain weight or a certain size I would like myself more or that the world would like me more. And you know what? None of that shit matters. You know why it doesn’t matter? Well, yeah, because it’s superficial and all that matters is what’s on the inside. Blah, blah, blah. But the real reason it doesn’t matter is because no one gives a shit. Seriously, no one besides me cares if I’m an 8 or a 10.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I still have days when I don’t like myself and feel chubby. I generally feel better when I’m eating real foods and exercising regularly. My body likes when I take care of it. Right now I’m not in my happy place. I’ve put on a few pounds in the last few months since I started a new relationship (I’m more social and we go out more). That combined with just completing a 3 month squat program means a lot of my shorts don’t fit because I’m now quadzilla. But even with all that, I’m not letting it control my life. I know that I will get back to my healthy habits soon and my body will react. It’s not that I want to feel skinnier, I just like feeling healthier.
Along with my thick thighs comes some chafing issues when I run. I prefer shorter shorts for most workouts, but when I’m running I need longer slider shorts to prevent rubbing. I used to wear a skirt or shorts over the sliders to hide my thick legs, but in the last few years I’ve decided fuck that. Who am I hiding from? Other athletes? I doubt they care and, if they do, that’s their problem. From myself? Ummmm, yeah. I see myself in all my birthday suit glory multiple times a day so that’s not really a viable excuse. So, the cover ups are gone and I’m letting it all hang out.
This is also the first year of my life that I wore a bikini in public. And I did it on multiple occasions in many different suits. And I played touch football and boccie ball and let all sorts of things jiggle. And you know what? Nobody tried to harpoon me or yelled that I looked like a beached whale or made any other kind of rude comments. Did I look society standard perfect? Nope. Did I still have a little baby buddha belly? Yes (which, by the way, I kinda like). Did I still have cellulite on the back of my thighs? Yep. I know I’m not painting a pretty picture of me in a bathing suit, but trust me, I was rocking it.
My only problem with all this new found self love? I waited 39 years to realize I was worth it.