What I’m Not

For the few readers that know me in person, you know that I’m going through some shit right now. And honestly, it’s some scary shit. How scary? Scary enough that I don’t feel like I can write about it at this point. I could be totally wrong because I no longer know what is true and what are just some lies that someone is telling me, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. I can tell you that the irony of my current situation combined with my last post, is not lost on me. Whether I’m paranoid or absolutely justified, this story is going to make a great post…someday. But for today, I’m going to stick to something safe, talking about myself.

In the past 10 or so days I’ve been told a lot of who I am (not that I’m believing it). Well, today I’m going to explore what I’m not. This list will be in no way complete – partly because I am constantly discovering things about myself and partly because this isn’t the most thought out post – I just NEEDED to write.

Alright, what I’m not:
WEAK– Apparently some people believe that because I am nice, that I am also weak. Let me tell you, that is a big mistake. Wanna deceive me, try to bring me down? Bring it on. I may not hit the hardest, but I will outlast you. I guarantee it. Bonus points – I’ve got the best friends and family that anyone could ever want. They always have my back and are willing to fight dirty.

Someone who bothers with hair and make-up– Yeah, never have, never will. With today’s beauty standards put forth by the media, I feel like I should make an AA like confession. “Hello. My name is Amy. I’m 37, don’t know how to apply make-up, and don’t own a blow dryer – or even a hairbrush.” Now don’t get me wrong, I brush my hair with a comb – on most days. None of this has ever been important to me and I’m ok with that. Shoot, I wore a sports bra for every day wear until my mid-20s because I never knew when a pick up game of soccer might break out. I’d rather have the freedom to do what I want when I want than be worrying about if my mascara runs or if my hair is perfectly coiffed.

Someone whose bra and underwear always match– Yeah, I’m guessing this isn’t a big surprise after reading the above confession, but thought I’d go ahead and put it out there. I know my 2 male readers are probably disappointed to learn that women don’t always have the perfectly matched bra and panties set. Again, I’m totally ok with this. I’m so much more concerned about comfort than fashion.

– Someone who always knows how to act in tough social situations- Yeah, I’m the girl who laughed at her grandpa’s funeral. There was nothing funny about it and he was my favorite grandparent, but I couldn’t help it. When I get nervous or overly uncomfortable, I laugh. I’ve gotten better about it, but I’m really a pretty socially awkward person. Once I get to know people, you can’t shut me up, but I’m also someone who has no problem with silence. Apparently, that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I promise, I’m not judging you or being snobby, sometimes I just don’t know what to say and silence seems like a better option. My social awkwardness also comes out when a friend is in an emotional state. I can be there to comfort, hold a hand, give long hugs, but saying the comforting words that people need to hear isn’t always my forte. This is something I will continue to work on.

– Someone who gives thoughtful presents on special occasions– Eeek! I hate admitting this one because it makes me sound like a terrible person. I really don’t think I am, I just don’t value a lot of material things. Not only do I not give great gifts, I don’t care if people give me gifts. No seriously, I’m totally ok with it. Stuff is just stuff. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m generous with my friends. I just don’t always have great gifts for them on birthdays or Christmas. Need some money to pay a divorce lawyer because your husband is a cheating louse? I’ve got you covered. Haven’t been able to visit your mom in a couple years? Let me help. Having a tough time making your paycheck stretch until the next pay day? Here’s a Publix gift card.I will always help my friends, and even strangers, just not necessarily on the predetermined dates.

A number – I know that our society likes to put things in nice, neat packages, but people are so much more than that. Yes, I’m 37, but I can still kick most 20 something’s asses when it comes to workouts. Yes, I come in at just under 150 pounds and am a size 10. HUGE, if we’re going by media standards. But you know what? I like how I look and what my body can do for me. The only reason I even know my weight is because it determines if I have to carry 4 or 6 bricks for GoRuck challenges. Otherwise, I wouldn’t even step on a scale. We have to stop relying on the number on the scale to tell us our value. In the past I would weigh myself every morning and allow the number that popped up to determine my mood. That is just crazy. Yes, I like eating healthy and exercising, but not to get to a certain number. I do these things because they make me feel good. I am happy to focus on healthy and not worry about skinny.

There’s a whole lot more that I’m not and even more than I am, but this is what I have to give for now. Any preconceived notions about yourself that you want to clear up? Let me hear about them in the comments.


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Tyler C. Tuszynski
    Aug 23, 2013 @ 23:36:29

    I am not content. Ever. Not matter how good things are, or how sweet life may seem – I am always looking for the next thing. I get in the habit of working so much for some stupid ideal I have created in my mind that I forget to live in the present. I am working on this.

    I am not a pushover. I may be friendly, affable, and at times downright jolly in certain situations. However, if I have a strong opinion, and lets be honest almost all of my opinions are strong because if I have taken a position on something, you can damn well know I have researched it. If you disagree with me, you will need to convince me otherwise. Agreeing to disagree is fine with me – but I will not go along with your opinion just because I like you, or we are friendly.

    I am not good with money. I was raised poor, but with an American appetite for luxury, and no role model otherwise. I have worked hard on this over the past 5 years and I am slowly getting to a point where I can trust myself.

    I am not an angry person … anymore. I used to be full of anger. A white hot ball of frustration, disappointment, and contempt. For my past, for my future, for myself. I have let all of that go, and I am healthier and happier because of it.


    • amydfab
      Aug 24, 2013 @ 10:14:05

      Hey Tyler,
      I would never call you a pushover. I love that you have strong opinions that you have researched thoroughly. I know I can always come to you when I need to know more about anything. I’m really glad that you worked on your anger. You’ve got a lot you could be angry about and I’m glad you’ve decided to be happy.


  2. Michelle L.
    Aug 24, 2013 @ 06:00:36

    First of all, I’m gonna put out my own confession: My name is Michelle, I’m 32 staring at 33, and I can’t apply make-up, I don’t own a hair dryer, none of my underwear sets match, my clothing is t-shirts and jeans for everyday, and everyone tells me I’m too nice.

    That means I’m not a pushover. I don’t do stuff because “everyone’s doing it.” This leads to nonstop grief from people who feel like I need to fit in some box. It took me a long time to learn that’s their problem, not mine.

    I’m never going to be a size 2 (right now, I’m a size 20), and this time around my weight-loss goal is not based on a number on a scale (except I’ll have to weigh-in for GoRuck events for obvious reasons, but that’s the only time I’m stepping on a scale). I’m focused on feeling healthy and getting strong. I’m already a strong person inside, mentally and emotionally. Now I need to get the physical in line. And this time around, I’m not going to feel guilty for a piece of cheesecake on the rare occasion we go out to eat for date night. I eat healthier now on a daily basis than when I was thinner and in better shape in high school. For example: My dinner tonight? Baked chicken and sweet potatoes. In high school? McDonald’s.

    I’m still a socially awkward penguin. Once I get to know people, I chatter nonstop. But it takes me a while to get to that point. And the more times I have to attend galas and events for the wildlife charity my husband volunteers at, the better I’m getting with social situations. So maybe someday I’ll overcome that. It helps to know pop culture, though. For once, my geeky half has a purpose. All those years of reading George R.R. Martin’s “Song of Ice and Fire” series, comic books, and various other non-mainstream things turned out to be useful after all since it’s all mainstream now. English major FTW! :o)


    • amydfab
      Aug 24, 2013 @ 10:10:05

      Thank you for taking the time to comment, Michelle. I understand the socially awkward at events thing. I was married to an Air Force officer and we had to go to a lot of squadron functions. You’re right – they get easier. I look forward to hearing more about your healthy journey. Thanks again, Amy


  3. Molly Alford
    Aug 24, 2013 @ 08:52:57

    Amy I am so sorry to hear that things are rough for you at the moment. I just thought I would let you know how much I enjoy reading your blog. You’ve made me take a look at myself and I’m learning so much from you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, insights and feelings. With much love from ABQ Molly Alford


    • amydfab
      Aug 24, 2013 @ 10:16:15

      Thank you so much, Molly! I think we’ve all got a lot to learn from each other. My situation will get better soon, no worries. I miss my spouse family. πŸ™‚ love, Amy


  4. Laura
    Aug 24, 2013 @ 16:02:29

    my confessions:
    I’m 23, still don’t know if I apply make-up the correct way. I hate cooking, baking, pretty much being in the kitchen. I sure as hell don’t know how to sew. I am no Martha Stewart.

    I have like 3 pairs of jeans I actually wear. I avoid jean shopping because I have a weird body type… wide hips, long legs, chunky thighs. There is no way I will ever look good in skinny jeans, or be a size 0. A size 0 wouldn’t even make it up to my knee. I don’t let my weight [150] define me. It’s just a number. I’m healthy. I run. I’m doing the best I can do.

    I’m a home body. I avoid work functions as much as I can. While I have the urge to want to ‘get out and have fun’ I’d much rather sit home, w/ a book…my cat…and just nap. I’m really 43.

    It takes a lot for me to like you. I put the highest standards up before I let new people in to my life. Sometimes, I really hate that about myself. I just can’t trust people… and I don’t like new people… I’m weird. πŸ˜‰


  5. amydfab
    Aug 24, 2013 @ 18:04:43

    I’m with you, Laura! I am no Martha Stewart and have exactly one pair of jeans l like. I like my thick legs, but jeans don’t. πŸ™‚ plus, I’m going to take lessons from you and make people earn trust instead of just giving it to them right away. Weird is good!


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